I used to work in the office of this place that gave horseback riding lessons. Every year on April Fool's Day, the "guys", as we called them, would come running in with some crazy scheme trying to convince us of something. This year, we were having none of it, we were ready.
That afternoon, we got a frantic call from them out in the field, where they were bringing the horses back in from grazing. "Get the supervisor, one of the horses just started going crazy jumping all over the place and I think it's dead. We need to call the vet immediately!"
I put him on hold, kinda roll my eyes and grab my supervisor. "It's Jamie*. He says one of the horses is dead, and he wants to talk to you."
She rolls her eyes too. I had worked there for three years, and never had a horse died while I was there, period, let alone while I was working on April Fool's Day. We try to look out the window, but can't see as far as he would be. She gets on the phone.
"Alright Jamie, we'll be RIGHT THERE. To see the dead horse. Jamie, I'm not calling the vet. If I call the vet he will charge us. It isn't funny to joke about this kind of thing"
He pleads with her to take him seriously, and she finally hangs up. He calls back immediately. "You really, seriously, need to call the vet right now." We decide he's been persistent enough, and the supervisor goes out to see what's going on. Sure enough, the freaking horse was dead. I think it had some sort of aneurysm - I can't remember, exactly. Either way, there was nothing we could have done. It's pretty rare that something like that would happen - old age, maybe, but this was completely unexpected.
As horrible as it was, I don't think anyone could believe that of all the days of the year for this to happen, it was the one where no one would possibly believe it. And I think it taught the guys not to play wolf next time.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Holidays with Lisa
I did something kindof bad this week. As I may or may not have already mentioned, I am supposed to go on a trip to Cancun in a couple of weeks with two girls. But, we haven't bought the tickets yet (one of the others is sick with mono and we want to wait before we do it, figuring at this point we might be able to swing a last-minute deal anyhow), and I am pretty short on money right now - I'm on a month-long break from work (paid work, anyway), and I'm stretching to last me another 3 weeks until my trip.
So I thought, instead of borrowing money from someone (which I wouldn't normally do but, as I am graduating and all that, several people have insisted I go and offered to lend money, and I know I could pay it back by the end of May), I should apply for another credit card and just, see if I get it.
I know, I know. Do not follow me as an example. In my defense, I have never carried any debt ever except for this year, and this year, I figured, it's the last year of my life I will ever be able to take serious time off and focus on my studies (and I have no more tuition bills to pay), so why not?
I know, still bad. Anyway, they sent me a card today. $1000 limit. That's a ticket and spending money. Awesome. Feel free to hate me.
Calling to activate was another story. I'm used to my bank, where it's all automatic. On this one, they make you talk to a person - who tries to sell you peace of mind, at a monthly insurance rate. Yeah, lame.
I know I don't want it already. No way. I tell him I have lots of people that will pay my credit card off if I become severely debilitated. He offers me a trial month. I tell him no, I did that once on a card and I still have it and I'm totally hating on that company. He says it will be easy to cancel. I tell him I don't really like talking on the phone and I especially don't like customer service lines, so I won't want to call back. I can hear the smile in his voice, too. But he keeps trying to sell me shit. Finally, he asks if he can tell me about another "opportunity". We banter, I finally tell him there is no way he is going to sell me anything, and he sends me on my way, "a thousand dollars richer". Or so I like to think.
So I thought, instead of borrowing money from someone (which I wouldn't normally do but, as I am graduating and all that, several people have insisted I go and offered to lend money, and I know I could pay it back by the end of May), I should apply for another credit card and just, see if I get it.
I know, I know. Do not follow me as an example. In my defense, I have never carried any debt ever except for this year, and this year, I figured, it's the last year of my life I will ever be able to take serious time off and focus on my studies (and I have no more tuition bills to pay), so why not?
I know, still bad. Anyway, they sent me a card today. $1000 limit. That's a ticket and spending money. Awesome. Feel free to hate me.
Calling to activate was another story. I'm used to my bank, where it's all automatic. On this one, they make you talk to a person - who tries to sell you peace of mind, at a monthly insurance rate. Yeah, lame.
I know I don't want it already. No way. I tell him I have lots of people that will pay my credit card off if I become severely debilitated. He offers me a trial month. I tell him no, I did that once on a card and I still have it and I'm totally hating on that company. He says it will be easy to cancel. I tell him I don't really like talking on the phone and I especially don't like customer service lines, so I won't want to call back. I can hear the smile in his voice, too. But he keeps trying to sell me shit. Finally, he asks if he can tell me about another "opportunity". We banter, I finally tell him there is no way he is going to sell me anything, and he sends me on my way, "a thousand dollars richer". Or so I like to think.
It was "you're"!
How wrong is it to reject someone based on reasonable grounds, but then secretly feel glad about it just because you can't stand the fact that they misused the word, "your"? Really wrong?
It just feels so right.
It just feels so right.
Sweet rejection
So I met a couple of my girlfriends for drinks after our last day of class yesterday, and what a spectacle that turned out to be.
First of all, it was partially because one of the girls totally likes this guy that I despise more than I despise anyone, and we wanted to hash it out. But it got worse.
He ended up being at the bar we were at, avoiding all eye contact. I can't imagine he would know what to do but he was definitely with another girl so I didn't want to say much. The friend I was with had her eye on him the whole night though.
Then, to make things worse, she ran into a guy who is friends with - get this - her boyfriend. (Let me add, this isn't a close friend, not close enough for me to know she had a boyfriend, so don't judge ME on this one). The guy and his friends ask to join us, and I quickly realize it is to hit on me and the third girl with us, who also has a boyfriend.
Third girl quickly averts the advances of the guy next to me, and I didn't actually catch that he tried to hit on her or I would have called him on it right there. Then, he starts to work on me. He had some great lines:
"I'm normally very shy, so if I see you around school I might not come talk to you" (translation: I am drunk and have faux confiance, and I may or may not remember you after this but if I do you can be certain I will try to contact you".
"If you had to choose between someone very fit or a master chef, which would you choose?"
"Outside of intelligence and personality, what do you like most in a man?" " Um, looks? Is there anything left outside of looks?" (I continuously "guessed" things and then was like, oh wait, no that qualifies as personality)
The highlight of the night was when he asked me, "If you had to choose between someone cocky who admits it, someone cocky who pretends to be humble, or someone humble but less confident, which would you choose?"
I, of course, said humble, with genuinely cocky as my second choice because I just can't stand people who are fake. Third girl agreed, my friend was still staring at the guy across the room, whose hand is now on the ass of the girl sitting next to him.
The guy then asks, which one do you think I am?
The first thing I think is, "I think you're insecure," but I decide I probably shouldn't say this. He wants me to say humble. I don't think he is humble. I don't really think he has enough going for him to be cocky, either, though. He's kindof a douche, doesn't know how to talk to girls, is pretending he is normally shy but that the alcohol has saved him, which is also totally not attractive. I go with, "you look nervous".
And for a second, I see his true personality shine through, and he is a cocky freaking bastard who thinks he's better than everyone in the room. "Oh my God, you are the cocky one pretending to me humble! That's horrible!" "I know," he says, "but don't tell anyone". "Why would you admit that? That is the worst of all of them! Not only have you been being fake the entire time we've been here, but you have been lying about it." I'm shocked, not only because I didn't quite read him, but he is so full of himself it's disgusting, and he has no reason to be. He's not attractive, he's not interesting, he doesn't have much of a personality going for him, and he says, "well, I was only lying for the first hour!"
Like I'm actually forgiving about lying. I despise people who are fake. I have way more respect for people who are who they are and make no mistake about it than people who change and you never really know who they are. He also pulled out this gem: "I'm just being socially acceptable".
At this point, douchebag across the room still has his hand on this girl's ass, so I clink glasses with the girls and go, "drink up, girls, because it's time for us to go!"
We grab our jackets, and get the freak out of there.
As an afternote, he had already looked me up on Facebook before I got home. It was hilarious because he kept claiming to forget names, and yet I could hear him memorizing my name, so I knew he would add me. He actually said my name slowly out loud, it was pretty obvious. And then he pretended like, "if we ever catch up on Facebook...."
First of all, it was partially because one of the girls totally likes this guy that I despise more than I despise anyone, and we wanted to hash it out. But it got worse.
He ended up being at the bar we were at, avoiding all eye contact. I can't imagine he would know what to do but he was definitely with another girl so I didn't want to say much. The friend I was with had her eye on him the whole night though.
Then, to make things worse, she ran into a guy who is friends with - get this - her boyfriend. (Let me add, this isn't a close friend, not close enough for me to know she had a boyfriend, so don't judge ME on this one). The guy and his friends ask to join us, and I quickly realize it is to hit on me and the third girl with us, who also has a boyfriend.
Third girl quickly averts the advances of the guy next to me, and I didn't actually catch that he tried to hit on her or I would have called him on it right there. Then, he starts to work on me. He had some great lines:
"I'm normally very shy, so if I see you around school I might not come talk to you" (translation: I am drunk and have faux confiance, and I may or may not remember you after this but if I do you can be certain I will try to contact you".
"If you had to choose between someone very fit or a master chef, which would you choose?"
"Outside of intelligence and personality, what do you like most in a man?" " Um, looks? Is there anything left outside of looks?" (I continuously "guessed" things and then was like, oh wait, no that qualifies as personality)
The highlight of the night was when he asked me, "If you had to choose between someone cocky who admits it, someone cocky who pretends to be humble, or someone humble but less confident, which would you choose?"
I, of course, said humble, with genuinely cocky as my second choice because I just can't stand people who are fake. Third girl agreed, my friend was still staring at the guy across the room, whose hand is now on the ass of the girl sitting next to him.
The guy then asks, which one do you think I am?
The first thing I think is, "I think you're insecure," but I decide I probably shouldn't say this. He wants me to say humble. I don't think he is humble. I don't really think he has enough going for him to be cocky, either, though. He's kindof a douche, doesn't know how to talk to girls, is pretending he is normally shy but that the alcohol has saved him, which is also totally not attractive. I go with, "you look nervous".
And for a second, I see his true personality shine through, and he is a cocky freaking bastard who thinks he's better than everyone in the room. "Oh my God, you are the cocky one pretending to me humble! That's horrible!" "I know," he says, "but don't tell anyone". "Why would you admit that? That is the worst of all of them! Not only have you been being fake the entire time we've been here, but you have been lying about it." I'm shocked, not only because I didn't quite read him, but he is so full of himself it's disgusting, and he has no reason to be. He's not attractive, he's not interesting, he doesn't have much of a personality going for him, and he says, "well, I was only lying for the first hour!"
Like I'm actually forgiving about lying. I despise people who are fake. I have way more respect for people who are who they are and make no mistake about it than people who change and you never really know who they are. He also pulled out this gem: "I'm just being socially acceptable".
At this point, douchebag across the room still has his hand on this girl's ass, so I clink glasses with the girls and go, "drink up, girls, because it's time for us to go!"
We grab our jackets, and get the freak out of there.
As an afternote, he had already looked me up on Facebook before I got home. It was hilarious because he kept claiming to forget names, and yet I could hear him memorizing my name, so I knew he would add me. He actually said my name slowly out loud, it was pretty obvious. And then he pretended like, "if we ever catch up on Facebook...."
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
First date with my family
Around Christmas every year, my family on my dad's side has a bowling-and-dinner party. Everyone has a blast, and it usually serves as an initiation for all new "significant others" in the family. It's typically pretty brutal, but once the said boyfriend or girlfriend survives it, they never want to break up because they feel the need to stick around at least to take part in the whipping of the next poor soul to date someone in my crazy family. This year, of course, was no exception.
I really don't know what would qualify as the highlight of the evening, and for this I apologize, because this post may meander a little bit.
There we were, about 25 of us seated in a (secluded, thank God), part of the restaurant. The "cousins" showed up late, so my poor cousin and her boyfriend were seated with the parents - a horrible scenario to be in, because they are particularly bad. There's not just good cop and bad cop; there is crazy cop, drunk cop, what are your intentions cop and I will embarrass you if it's the last thing I do cop.
The cousins are a bit better, we will harrass the poor guy but we know whatever we do is coming to us someday, so we have to behave a little. So the night starts out at dinner fairly tamely, the parents are somewhat behaving (asking immense amounts of questions, confusing him by trying to make him contradict his answers, asking his intentions and then likely accusing him of other intentions, none of which is actually serious but still moderately hilarious), and the cousins are doing things such as shouting his name loudly from across the room and then pretending it didn't happen, so that each time he looks around he thinks he is going crazy. Also, they re-named him after my other cousin's boyfriend (I think her boyfriend may have come up with that himself, actually), so he was mostly getting addressed by a name that wasn't even his. You get the idea.
The climax of dinner was when he made the mistake of revealing that he is capable of singing (he plays the keyboards in a band), and they started asking him to sing. In front of everyone. He looked completely bewildered but, not wanting to back down, reluctantly agreed. I kid you not, his first day with my family, and he sang "Piano Man" by Elton John, in a restaurant, in front of about 25 members of my family in addition to the rest of the customers. After about a verse, my entire family joined in, and it is still by far one of the most hilarious moments in my life. Picture this: you like a girl, she finally introduces you to her family and they insist you sing a song in front of all of them? Yeah, I know. Don't ever ask why I'm screwed up. And it wasn't the only time they made him sing that night, either.
Then we went bowling. Now, bowling is also an adventure. No one in my family actually cares about the rules, winning, or even completing the game. Most of our scores are fairly low, breaking a hundred, maybe, for the best players. The poor boyfriend, of course, plays like any normal person, and scores 223 - around a hundred points better than everyone. From the beginning of dinner he was saying he wasn't good (and really, was he?), so they end up taunting him endlessly about how he destroyed everyone.
To make it worse, my dad got this dancing and singing Christmas tree, which they decided would be the prize for the best bowler. So, they presented it to the new boyfriend, and then made him dance and sing along with it. I know. I'm going to hell. But it was freaking hilarious.
Finally, the insanity was over, and we were all hugging goodbye. My dad hugged me, and then went, fists first, to hug someone else, and ended up punching me in the face really hard. I swore - loudly - and then didn't know what to do because it was obvious I had sworn and I had just been punched in the face, so there I was, doubled over, half laughing, half ready to cry, because it hurt like a bitch, but it was really funny, too.
And that, my friends, is what a typically first date with my family is like. We always try to prepare the poor suckers but really, even if I told you, would you actually believe me?
I really don't know what would qualify as the highlight of the evening, and for this I apologize, because this post may meander a little bit.
There we were, about 25 of us seated in a (secluded, thank God), part of the restaurant. The "cousins" showed up late, so my poor cousin and her boyfriend were seated with the parents - a horrible scenario to be in, because they are particularly bad. There's not just good cop and bad cop; there is crazy cop, drunk cop, what are your intentions cop and I will embarrass you if it's the last thing I do cop.
The cousins are a bit better, we will harrass the poor guy but we know whatever we do is coming to us someday, so we have to behave a little. So the night starts out at dinner fairly tamely, the parents are somewhat behaving (asking immense amounts of questions, confusing him by trying to make him contradict his answers, asking his intentions and then likely accusing him of other intentions, none of which is actually serious but still moderately hilarious), and the cousins are doing things such as shouting his name loudly from across the room and then pretending it didn't happen, so that each time he looks around he thinks he is going crazy. Also, they re-named him after my other cousin's boyfriend (I think her boyfriend may have come up with that himself, actually), so he was mostly getting addressed by a name that wasn't even his. You get the idea.
The climax of dinner was when he made the mistake of revealing that he is capable of singing (he plays the keyboards in a band), and they started asking him to sing. In front of everyone. He looked completely bewildered but, not wanting to back down, reluctantly agreed. I kid you not, his first day with my family, and he sang "Piano Man" by Elton John, in a restaurant, in front of about 25 members of my family in addition to the rest of the customers. After about a verse, my entire family joined in, and it is still by far one of the most hilarious moments in my life. Picture this: you like a girl, she finally introduces you to her family and they insist you sing a song in front of all of them? Yeah, I know. Don't ever ask why I'm screwed up. And it wasn't the only time they made him sing that night, either.
Then we went bowling. Now, bowling is also an adventure. No one in my family actually cares about the rules, winning, or even completing the game. Most of our scores are fairly low, breaking a hundred, maybe, for the best players. The poor boyfriend, of course, plays like any normal person, and scores 223 - around a hundred points better than everyone. From the beginning of dinner he was saying he wasn't good (and really, was he?), so they end up taunting him endlessly about how he destroyed everyone.
To make it worse, my dad got this dancing and singing Christmas tree, which they decided would be the prize for the best bowler. So, they presented it to the new boyfriend, and then made him dance and sing along with it. I know. I'm going to hell. But it was freaking hilarious.
Finally, the insanity was over, and we were all hugging goodbye. My dad hugged me, and then went, fists first, to hug someone else, and ended up punching me in the face really hard. I swore - loudly - and then didn't know what to do because it was obvious I had sworn and I had just been punched in the face, so there I was, doubled over, half laughing, half ready to cry, because it hurt like a bitch, but it was really funny, too.
And that, my friends, is what a typically first date with my family is like. We always try to prepare the poor suckers but really, even if I told you, would you actually believe me?
My door is currently open
Something I'm starting to find really frustrating is the fact that my cat knows how to open my door from either way. The handle mechanism doesn't lock in all the way so you can always push it open, even when it looks fully closed, and as my cat has discovered, you can open it from the inside too, if you put your paw under it and pull it open.
This wouldn't be so frustrating except I often close my door for privacy and, although my roommate would always knock (or at least shut the door behind him!), the cat does not, and my door is constantly open because, well, she is a cat after all - anything a door is shut she wants to get through it. If only I could train her to close the door behind her, then everything would be great. I don't see that happening anytime soon though.
This wouldn't be so frustrating except I often close my door for privacy and, although my roommate would always knock (or at least shut the door behind him!), the cat does not, and my door is constantly open because, well, she is a cat after all - anything a door is shut she wants to get through it. If only I could train her to close the door behind her, then everything would be great. I don't see that happening anytime soon though.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Phone-sitting
I've been "phone sitting" for a friend on holidays for the past week, and it has led to some interesting calls. The most recent one was particularly interest-inducing, it was the gas company, and they left a message on his voice mail while I was in class.
You have one new message. First message, sent today at 6:27pm from phone number 000-000-0000:
I almost hung up before she finished reading out all the zeros one by one. But I thought, maybe he was calling collect or something and I should probably listen. No such luck.
Hello, this is the gas company. We have not received your payment for this month's invoice. This must be resolved today. Thank you.
I kid you not. No name, no phone number, no outstanding balance, nothing. I have no way of responding to this. For past calls (and yes, it's happened), I explain that he is away on holidays and that I will be taking care of it. Usually no problem. But how do I respond to this? I drove to his house, looked for a bill, found nothing (for the record, we're close enough that that would be acceptable and that I would have a reasonable idea of where the bill is kept - I'm not some sort of snoopy stalker). I can't call. They didn't technically say they were going to disconnect the service. It was somewhat of an idle threat. If I didn't resolve it yesterday, they could do anything today. I'm sure I'll be getting a call from his friends staying there if they suddenly have no heat, though.
Zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero.
You have one new message. First message, sent today at 6:27pm from phone number 000-000-0000:
I almost hung up before she finished reading out all the zeros one by one. But I thought, maybe he was calling collect or something and I should probably listen. No such luck.
Hello, this is the gas company. We have not received your payment for this month's invoice. This must be resolved today. Thank you.
I kid you not. No name, no phone number, no outstanding balance, nothing. I have no way of responding to this. For past calls (and yes, it's happened), I explain that he is away on holidays and that I will be taking care of it. Usually no problem. But how do I respond to this? I drove to his house, looked for a bill, found nothing (for the record, we're close enough that that would be acceptable and that I would have a reasonable idea of where the bill is kept - I'm not some sort of snoopy stalker). I can't call. They didn't technically say they were going to disconnect the service. It was somewhat of an idle threat. If I didn't resolve it yesterday, they could do anything today. I'm sure I'll be getting a call from his friends staying there if they suddenly have no heat, though.
Zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero. zero.
April Fools!
Every year on April Fool's day when I was a kid, my dad would run to the window and shout, excitedly, "hey, look, a rabbit!" or something equally inconsequential. And every year, we'd run to the window like maniacs only to be taunted for falling for April Fool's!
Not that I'm not a fan, but I think I'll keep it on the L-D this year. I probably won't really even see anyone major enough to want to play a prank on anyway. I thought of my roommate, but I don't think either of us could ever be bothered.
However, one of the funniest pranks I've ever seen play out has been when I was 13, we had this wonderful French teacher that drank water at her desk, all day every day.
When she was out of the room, one of my close friends dumped out her water and replaced it with vinegar. We were all sure she was going to smell it long before she drank it, and I'm sure she was eyeing us suspiciously as we all were listening a lot closer than usual.
Thankfully there was a sink in the room, because I will never forget the look on her face as she realized what had happened and ran for it. The entire class (her included) laughed until we cried; in retrospect, it was kinda fortunate she had a sense of humour.
So enjoy your pranks, however elaborate they may be, and if you have any cool stories, feel free to share. I'd love some ideas, maybe get my dad back someday.
Not that I'm not a fan, but I think I'll keep it on the L-D this year. I probably won't really even see anyone major enough to want to play a prank on anyway. I thought of my roommate, but I don't think either of us could ever be bothered.
However, one of the funniest pranks I've ever seen play out has been when I was 13, we had this wonderful French teacher that drank water at her desk, all day every day.
When she was out of the room, one of my close friends dumped out her water and replaced it with vinegar. We were all sure she was going to smell it long before she drank it, and I'm sure she was eyeing us suspiciously as we all were listening a lot closer than usual.
Thankfully there was a sink in the room, because I will never forget the look on her face as she realized what had happened and ran for it. The entire class (her included) laughed until we cried; in retrospect, it was kinda fortunate she had a sense of humour.
So enjoy your pranks, however elaborate they may be, and if you have any cool stories, feel free to share. I'd love some ideas, maybe get my dad back someday.
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