Bringing awkward silence to a new level

[about 20 minutes into a conversation between three girls]

"Guys, I have big news. But I want you to be more supportive than my parents were when I told them."

I wonder what she could possibly be doing that her parents wouldn't understand and agree that we would certainly be supportive.

"I'm gay. Just kidding. I'm going to run a marathon."

I don't think we knew what to address first, the fact that she managed to convince us for about 4 seconds that she was gay and her parents were against it, that she made a horrible joke about homosexuality, the surprise that she was going to run a marathon or the shock that her parents were not supportive of her running a marathon. However, we successfully overlooked most of the facets of that statement and went with unquestioning support of the marathon.

The best headphones ever

"Wow, these wireless headphones are fantastic. They sound exactly as if I were playing my music out loud."

They were watching the hockey game - loudly - and had set me up with earphones so I could continue to listen to music instead of feigning interest in the hockey game while actually planning out what I wanted to do after the hockey game is over.

5 minutes later, the game had quieted down for a commercial and I thought, these headphones are too good to be true. As I took them off, I realized everyone was looking at me, and sure enough, I had my earphones plugged into the wrong port.

Now they are connected properly but, you know, the sound just isn't the same.

Stress

You know you've been stressed when you open the fridge to grab a bag of milk, and not only is it still in the grocery bag it was in when you bought it, but there is a box of fabric softener sheets in it as well.

Hunger

I've been known to get a little bit touchy when I need to eat but sometimes I forget just how much.

It's one of those things where, once you get to know me well enough, you know that at a certain point, it's best to just stand back until I have been fed, or risk suffering my wrath - typically some form of demanding we eat immediately.

As one friend put it, "by then, I don't want to get too close - I just want to feed you with a slingshot or something!"

He does have a point.

Me and manual labour

"Did you need a hand with anything?"

"Not unless you like manual labour."

"What do you have to do?"

"I'm going to take this ice pick, and this axe, and chip away about 3 inches of that ice over there."

"And you intend to do this by yourself?"

"Yes."

5 minutes later, while he is chipping all of the ice away, and I am looking pretty useless, he laughs to himself. "I can't believe you were going to try and do this on your own!" "I'm a determined girl." "I hope this isn't your permanent job." "Oh no, I'm a student."

I leave out the part about intending to do something like this once I graduate anyway.

Finally we are finished, and he teases me a bit more - something about trying to pick up guys by letting them watch my pathetic attempts at physical labour. He catches me chuckling and I admit that he knows me far too well already.

Hours of operation

"What time am I working until today?"

"I don't know, what day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"8pm."

...My management style at its best.

Singleness

I was reading this article titled 10 Reasons It's Great to be Single, because sometimes articles like that thoroughly entertain me. However, the only thing I found particularly entertaining about this one was at the top, directly underneath the title:

Related Content:
Asexuality
How to Find a Husband

Harsh, eh? God forbid single people would just like being single!

If you would like a genuinely funny article, check this one out with comebacks to the question, "Why are you single?" Always makes me smile. Partially because it is a well-written article. Partially because when I originally posted it on facebook, it was followed by a hilarious debate of comments between guys who just wanted to date me, and a number of ridiculous but serious comments from various people including several guys, several of my female friends, one of the guys' moms, and one guys criticizing the seriousness of the other comments. I would reprint it, but once it started to get really out of hand, a few of the best comments got deleted by their authors.

Terrible at multitasking

We were looking for an address in the middle of nowhere and my friend kept swerving over the line as he drove.

"Do you want me to drive?"

"No no, I'm just thinking."

"Do you think better on the left side of the road?"